I’m pleased to say that it took Mum and I only two days to reach forgiveness, possibly kickstarted by me doing a spot of triangulation of my own. 

I reached out to my brother, who still lives with Mum, and asked that he “keep an eye” on her — I said that what went down between us was “horrendous” and I felt that she was “probably feeling it right now”. That was as far as I was willing to go — a small gesture, not a grand repair. 

He messaged me back and said that he “had heard”. He also advised me “not to leave it too long” to “avoid any awkwardness”. 

I refuted that: if it was “awkward” right now then it was because of our mother, not because of me. 

So, knowing that we would get into an argument if I replied, I simply chose not to respond. 

Thursday morning I felt awful: I hated the tension in the family right now. It feels so not like us, and I wanted it gone. 

I wasn’t sorry for what happened, but I was sorry for what Mum saw. Sometimes that little bit of accountability can be what gets the ball rolling towards a repair.

So I started to punch out a draft message in a note, and just as I added the finishing touches, Mum messaged me. She said that she was “so sorry” for what had happened between us and had considered sending flowers, but remembered that I wouldn’t like them (I have anthophobia, a phobia of flowers). She also said she considered sending chocolates, but wasn’t sure if they would work either. She offered to pay for us to go out for a meal — she would do anything to get us back on track. 

I thanked her, but I told her that we don’t want gifts — we want mutual respect. 

Mum said that she “completely understands that”, which I am both happy with and hopeful for. What happened was horrendous, but I feel now that I can hold her accountable. The next time she snaps at one of us, I can simply say “what happened to mutual respect?” 

She also admitted that she can “put her foot in it sometimes”, which is great for accountability, but doesn’t guarantee change. 

There are some things that I recalled over the past few days, that I sort of forgot in the heat of my last diary entry. 

The first is that, after Mum called me “cruel”, I snapped and told her “you’re entitled to your opinion, but it doesn’t mean it’s my truth”. I’m immensely proud of myself for that: I took my position and I held it firm, even if I was hurt. 

The second was an incident that happened on vacation once: Mum told me that I have “an attitude problem”. Now yes, I do have an attitude.But an attitude problem? Eh. 

My attitude isn’t my problem, I’m just saying. I can’t help the way I was raised 😉 

But as one problem wraps up, another one opens. 

This social tomorrow. This little kitty’s got her claws in, and she ain’t moving. 

I’m not sure what happened to me: I used to like going out clubbing with friends, then I just… Stopped. They were too loud, too expensive, involved too much effort. The £80 that I’d blow on a Saturday night out? That was my grocery shop for a week. The “sense” of it all didn’t make sense anymore. 

I wasn’t afraid of my “no”. I wasn’t afraid to say “thanks, but no thanks”. I knew that my people would understand me. 

Today, I’m even less social again. House parties? Also no thanks — I have a home, and I love my home. With my playroom, my festoon lights over the garden, my slippers and my neighbours (and dog) who love me, I’m perfectly cosy where I am. Why would I want to leave my home? 

To go across town to a home that I don’t know, to meet people that I also don’t know (and, quite honestly, had neither any intentions nor desires of meeting), and introduce myself to them in the vague hopes that they might like me? Yeah, no thanks — that doesn’t sound like a fun time to me. I’m not a circus pony; I don’t do tricks on command. 

Really, it’s Master Levi who’s created this awkward situation, by telling them what I do for work. Again, and just as I said to him — it’s no bloody wonder they want to meet me now! 

I did offer to meet in town a few weeks ago, which is much more neutral (and accessible) for me. If my husband didn’t put that message forward, or if that’s not acceptable for whatever reason? Then that’s not my problem. I’m already going out of my comfort zone for them.

I did also offer to do a group chat on Whatsapp, prior to this house party plan, but nothing came of that either. 

So maybe me refusing to head out tomorrow is not me being awkward: it’sa actually me reciprocating levels of interest.