Yesterday daytime I had quite another lengthy chat with blogging friend Spanky, about real and serious stuff. I say serious, but it wasn’t really serious — it was more “let’s be sensible for a moment.”

Spanky and I discussed switching, and in particular, the desire (or the “itch”) in some Dominants to switch. Spanky admitted to me that I bring out his submissive side for some reason, which came as a surprise to me, but it does happen. I don’t try to Dominate people deliberately, but I have quite a dominant, playful personality, and that’s something some people seem to enjoy. A natural Dominant, if you will, even if it’s not what I want to be.

That desire to switch is something I know all too well: I too went from “Dominant” to “submissive”. It wasn’t that I was bad at Domination — quite the opposite, I even had three submissives try to come back to me — but it was empty for me; I knew what I really was inside. It was a performance I could put on for an hour or two, but not who I really wanted to be.

Saying that reminds me of a conversation I’ve been having with a Russian Dominant pen pal, I, about the “masks” we wear with different audiences. A fascinating conversation, truly.

Still, sometimes, when someone starts being submissive with (or even roleplaying submission to) me, it can kind of get under my skin. Not because I don’t care. Not because I can’t have fun. But because I too crave to be submissive. There’s always that part of me who still craves someone(s) who can Dominate me.

So yesterday I was left with a burning question: are we “Dominants” all switches, really?

Spanky and Valkyries discuss wax play and knife play (and mind-fucks) on our Discord server, and I’m left drooling at the idea of it all. Knife play is something we’ve dabbled with, but it’s been more sensation (hello, blindfold!) than actually owning a blade. Usually, Master just uses a blindfold and a bog-standard dinner knife: it’s still a blade, and it’s still his sadistic “fun” for taking candle wax off of my skin.

And as for mind-fucks? Well, he’s mightily good at those, too.

Master Levi is over my shoulder, and he notices Spanky’s knives.

“Nice blades” he says.

“Aren’t they? No is the answer” I reply.

“Why not?”

“Because as much as I love you and I trust you, you have been a bit clumsy with me in the past, and I quite value my life.”

“What’s a bit of blood between lovers?” he teases.

“My jugular!” I declare. “Look, I know the place could do with redecorating, but that is not how I want it to go!”

“But we’ll have a red room at last” he continues.

“No we won’t” I reply.

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll be locked up, and I’ll be dead!”

Last night was a weird one for me, with burning desires and vivid dreams. On the burning desires front, again, my submissive desire burned in me — I didn’t want to be dominant anymore. I had a desire to be fucked roughly over the railings on the head of Clevedon Pier. I have no idea why that or why there, but that was the fantasy.

I didn’t do anything about my submissive desires at the time, but I most certainly did this morning. It was one of those times where my brain had decided Britney’s “Touch Of My Hand” would be the anthem of the hour. Quite appropriate, I feel.

For my dream, I dreamt Valkyries and I nearly met on a reality show, at some hotel in coastal Spain. The show was in parts, and between each section, I was taking some time to explore the local area while Valkyries was looking for me. We were texting back and forth, and any time we got close to meeting at the hotel, it would be time for another break.

Some of the guests had excitedly told me where he was, and that he was looking for me. So I went there, and just before we met, I woke up.