The keys stay with me. For now.

The past few days have been… interesting to say the least. 

First of all, I caught up with Mum on Friday and after three weeks apart, following her spinal surgery. Mum is doing really well: she is walking with two hiking (not walking) sticks now but they’re only a temporary thing while her body remembers how to walk upright again. I repeatedly offered to help her with things (lifting things up, picking up after the dogs) but she insists she’s fine. She bends at the knees or kneels when she needs to — apparently, that’s allowed! 

Mum hugs me to her; she’s emotional, says that she’s missed me. I tell her that I’ve missed her too, though we both acknowledge that it wasn’t personal — it was solely to protect her from an exuberant Huxley. 

We decided to take the dogs for a gentle stroll around a local park, and during the ten-minute car ride, we caught up on life. I told Mum that things were going really well with Valkyries: that we were talking about our future, and that I even hoped she might get to meet him someday. 

For how supportive Valkyries has been through Mum’s surgery and recovery, I really hoped she could repay some of that kindness. Sadly, she did not. 

Mum said that Valkyries is a part of my life, and that she has no interest in meeting him. I felt disheartened by that but I’ve reluctantly accepted it, even if I had a few counterarguments to the points she made. First of all, Valkyries is not just a (presently retired) Dom to me; he’s a partner in crime and a close and special friend too. Secondly, I was willing to meet Pat, Mum’s kind-of-boyfriend after Dad. Sure, I didn’t like him and my “sweet” ass absolutely thrashed his pompous ass at Cards Against Humanity., but hey, I still agreed to meet him. 

But all of that is besides the point. My point is, I met her partner for her, so it’d be nice if she would do the same for me, especially as Valkyries has been nothing but kind and considerate towards her. He has even tried to integrate himself with my family, with his regular and persistent “hi Mum!”. 

Not forgetting that Mum has done this before, about Master Levi — she once wrote me a four-page letter detailing out how he was a gang member and he and his friends would beat me, rape me and leave me for dead. Fortunately Master Levi saw the funny side and he and his friends (with me included) dubbed ourselves “the crew”, but I do also remember a time when her completely baseless accusations narrowly broke us up.  

The lowest points were when she would only refer to him as “it” — “what time is it coming down?”, “are you going to it’s tonight?” — or when she threatened to report us to social services if we ever had a child, because you “can hardly look after yourselves”. The joke’s now on her: we’re fur parents instead, and my brother never has settled down, nor is he particularly bothered if he doesn’t. So Mum never did have the grandchildren she one day dreamed of having.  

But now she absolutely adores Master Levi and she’s apologised for everything she ever said about him, to him — she’s even threatened to make us sit down and talk it out if we ever considered a divorce! From what it was like fifteen years ago, to this. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it really did happen and I’m not just imagining things! 

Fortunately, Valkyries understands: he understands that this isn’t anything he has done and Mum is just trying to protect me — or rather, and perhaps, she’s trying to protect her mental image of me as her defenceless and dependent child.

There was sex on Friday night — Saturday morning which, to be honest, I’m still a bit confused about. Not bad-way confused, but kind of confused all the same.

I was half asleep, and Master made me cum and fucked me anyway. My orgasm seemed almost like it wasn’t going to happen, until it did, and it absolutely ripped through me when it did. 

And then he fucked me with abandon, even though by then I was barely coherent, and because he wanted to. 

And perhaps weirdly, I’m not exactly complaining about that, but I have been left thinking about it all the same. 

Not aroused, not traumatised, just… contemplative. 

Alright, maybe a little bit aroused, but also tired! 

I have been thinking about my hang-up with Dungeons & Dragons as well, and I think I’ve come up with something: I’ve long (as in 20+ years now) enjoyed TBRPG (Text-Based Role Playing Games), and I’ve had some very fun TBRPG’s in my time. In fact, my quasi-nickname — La Sumisa — came about in a TBRPG. 

In my youth — and when I wasn’t out and about, living adventure or shooting people with plastic pellets — I could often be found online, engaged in a TBRPG. For us — and just as Dungeons & Dragons can be for those who play it — it was a way to escape reality, albeit in a way that we controlled. 

For some people (myself included), TBRPG’s can be very fun (or very hot!) if done with equally-imaginative players, but for others, they’re just lame and embarrassing. That’s okay — it’s a “horses for courses” kind of thing. Personally, I’m thirty-seven, and I still love a good TBRPG sometimes. 

My father-in-law was not on his best behaviour again, on Saturday: I’d gone for “a quick nap” before his arrival — owing to the fact that “I can barely keep my eyes open” — only I must have needed the sleep far more than what I thought I did, because I slept for a whole two hours!

Master woke me up (eventually, because even then I kept nodding back off) and I joined Master and his Dad with an apology. Said that I “only planned to nap for half an hour”. 

“I should think so too!” my father-in-law says, “that wasn’t half an hour, that was more like two hours! What’s the matter with you?!” he continues. I raise an eyebrow at him. Oh really?

“Post Christmas fatigue” I reply dryly, Master stops himself from laughing out loud and fakes a cough instead. I glance at him, he chuckles softly and shakes his head. 

Sunday I had what I’m going to call “closed-door discussions” with Valkyries — basically, I could see what Valkyries really wanted, but I didn’t feel I could give him what he wants with our situation the way it is. That’s nothing against Valkyries and he knows that; I wasn’t rejecting him, I just wasn’t happy with the situation the way it was. 

Valkyries really wants to be my other Master. Just as I said to him — when a man scours through my forum activity to find evidence of where I’d inferred that he was, in fact, already my other Master, then he must be quite serious about it! 

So just a little bit about that: Valkyries had said in a forum post about a fantasy of my Master handing me over to my “other Master” after we’d all had a meal together, and I pointed out to him that I don’t currently have another Master — I have two Kings, but only one Master. That was nothing against him — more than anything, it was simply a tongue-in-cheek jab that Valkyries doesn’t have what he wants, yet.

An aside to my aside: I have sort of played with these ownership roles before, but it’s not a way that Master or I really see my submission. Basically, I don’t see myself as his property, and nor does Master see me as such. I’m a polyamorous, sovereign submissive: Master shares me, and asides from His Golden Rule — which is purely situational and not everlasting submission — I choose who I submit to, and when.  

So my stance wasn’t “never” — Valkyries and I both want the same thing — but our situation doesn’t lend itself in a way that makes it possible for him to be my other Master, yet. 

Fortunately — and for our discussions — Valkyries and I now understand one another much better. Valkyries also knows that I’m holding onto my submission to him like the keys to the shiny sports car that he really, really wants. 

And for my part, I know that when he does eventually get his hands on my “keys”, Valkyries is undoubtedly going to hand my ass back to me in a way that I absolutely deserve. But then again, neither of us would be playing this game if we both didn’t fully understand the rules

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