Not lost, just thoroughly confused.

I know that I haven’t written a diary post in a few days, my apologies. Between dodgy routers, double-whammy colds (and managing to stay awake long enough to write, which it seems the second one didn’t want me to do), Christmas preparations and the Kinkmas countdown, I know that I missed at least one post. There has been stuff that has happened, though perhaps also some other stuff that I have since forgotten. I’m not going to write this out in my usual format: my brain is still far too fluey to remember exactly what happened, when. 

I think it was Tuesday, Valkyries joked with me — while I was navigating a heap of devices and wires at the time — about the concept of bondage with ethernet cables. I said the idea was “fifty shades of no” at first, but by Wednesday, I’d rethought my stance on the idea: why do I love his inherently stupid idea, and why does some part of me even trust him with it?  

Valkyries has not let up on the need for oxygenation or warnings of hypoxia — our running joke — he’s even reminded me to throw open windows and asked me to provide him with oxygen level reports from my smartwatch. So that thing is, once again, claiming a kind of ownership of me. Not as a tracker, but I once had a “friend” who loved that it vibrated anytime he messaged me, and as such I couldn’t not think about him (or the things he made me think about), even when I wanted to. 

It doesn’t work with Discord though. Sorry about that, Sir 😉 

Saturday we had a nice surprise: Rose and Mr C knocked on our door, bearing gifts of toys and games. I was surprised but I graciously accepted them. They were thought out too: a football quiz game for Master and a fish-themed quiz game for me, because of my fish-keeping. 

“You didn’t have to!” I smile. I know Mr C doesn’t have a lot of money. 

“Happy Christmas” he says. 

“Well, thank you!” I reply, “and a very Merry Christmas to you both too!”

We have bought them both gifts as well, they just haven’t arrived yet. 

But that, perhaps, is not the biggest surprise these past few days have had to offer. 

Sunday, I took a deep breath and I asked Valkyries (and Shadow) to explain the Holy Trinity to me. I’d long rejected it as part of the reason I’m not a Christian: I believe in one God, not three Gods.

Nonetheless, I at least wanted to try and understand Christianity, even if was complete nonsense to me.

Only it wasn’t. At all. 

You see, when I was a little girl — when I used to go to church with my family (but never Sunday school) — “God”, “Jesus Christ” and “The Holy Spirit” were never explained to me: I thought they were three separate entities!

So needless to say, my young brain had a whole bunch of questions, but I was never given any answers. Instead, my questions were regarded as disobedience: “you don’t question God, you respect him in his church!” 

But I had two burning questions. Actually, I had a few questions, but these were the main two:

“If nobody has ever seen God, how do we know what he looks like?” 

And 

“If Jesus is God’s son and God is Jesus’ father, whose ghost is it then?”

To which, the answer to the first question back then would have been something like “we don’t!”, and to the latter, “it’s not — it’s God’s spirit!”. Both may be true of course, but they do precious little to explain things to an already-confused five-year-old.

So cue continued misunderstanding, and what do kids do when adult nonsense makes no sense to them? They dismiss it entirely!

Some thirty years later and finally open to at least trying to understand, I asked Valkyries to explain it to me. He did. and I am grateful for that, though Shadow broke things down even further — without any of the religious words mixed in. The Holy Trinity simplified, if you will:

“One being, experienced relationally in three modes.” 

And for the first time, I finally understood: it wasn’t three gods like I thought, it was one God, expressed in three different ways.

But even as a questioning child, I was still made to go to church, regardless. I went to a C of E (Church of England) school too, so I was made to sing hymns there, even if I didn’t really understand their meaning.

And not believing in what I was supposed to be singing, sometimes I would stay silent instead.

And then I’d be made to stand up, and I’d be made to sing alone for my silence.

So instead of being educated, I’d be humiliated… and still not be amy closer to God!

But there’s more. 

Throughout my life, one of my biggest pet peeves has been the “Christians” I know/knew who acted in un-Christian ways and judged others for their “un-Christian” behaviours, yet still had the audacity to go to church and pray without changing their own ways. Have they forgotten the famous teachings of the Gospel of Luke 6:37-38? 

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back.“

That same hypocrisy is one of the reasons I have long felt I don’t belong in a church. I am kinky and polyamorous — a devil-worshipper in a Puritan’s eyes. 

But I absolutely do belong, I just don’t belong in a room full of pious people: I don’t belong in institutionalised religion. 

And honestly? That’s okay. I don’t need to be in an institutionalised church to have my relationship with God. Jesus teaches us that wherever we are with others in his name, “church” is. In our homes, in our parks and in the streets — even online! 

I do believe that Valkyries’ presence in my life was God’s work, and for one good reason: 

When I lost my father — a devout Christian man himself — to cancer in 2019, I had a new burning question: ”now who the fuck am I going to wind up?”

My Mum said I could wind her up, but our relationship just wasn’t the same. Try as she might, Mum couldn’t be Dad, and I felt very lost without him. 

But if not Dad, and if not Mum — who?

Well, it seems, “Valkyries” is my answer. 

Sure, I don’t expect Valkyries to be exactly like my father — that would be unhealthy — but I do think he is like him in one very big way:

Not being able to go a day without finding something to torment me about? That’s exactly like my father was! 

But I give as good as I get, and I live for it every day. It enlivens me in some way, challenges me, makes me grow. I know I do the same for Master Levi and Mister Valkyries, too.

So after a few difficult months and years, maybe God knew exactly who I needed in my life to finally kick my ass and set me on the right path! 

Enjoyed this post? Give this post a like, share, or leave a comment below. Alternatively, click here for more of my Bad Girl Diaries posts!

Until next time!

Stau safe & have fun,

---

Enjoyed my writing? Gained something from it? Please consider giving something back by supporting me via Paypal or checking out my Amazon wishlist. I thank you for your kindness 🙂

.