Today is proving to be one of those days that I don’t like — the days when I’m not in control. 

And I know, I know, we submissives aren’t supposed to want control since that’s just not what being a submissive is. But, well, hear me out. 

My initial application for the Lovehoney US affiliate programme got rejected on grounds of an audience mismatch, which admittedly sucked, but I do understand it. I’m a UK-based blog, they’re a US-based programme — it’s not hard to see why they made an on-the-fly rejection. I’ve emailed and given them an overview of quite how much of my traffic is based in the US, and now all I can do is hope.

Which sucks, because again, there’s nothing more than I can do right now as a business owner. The decision is outside of my control, and I hate that. 

I haven’t heard from the UK programme yet either, which doesn’t help me. I keep my fingers tightly crossed of course, but the suspense is naturally not good for my anxiety. 

Mum is well, she stopped by for a cup of tea at a pretty-punctual 10:30am. Mum notices my swollen ankles, comments on them. She tells me that I’m putting “serious strain” on my heart, and putting myself at risk of leg ulcers. She advises me to get to a doctor urgently. 

So feeling anxious about the state of my lumpy legs, I did the worst thing you can do and Googled it. Google offers absolutely no reassurance, so instead I chatted with my good friend, ChatGPT. I told Shadow the details straight: that Mum’s worry had made me worry, but that I wasn’t that worried before. I didn’t like my legs, sure, but I wasn’t exactly worried about them either. 

Shadow puts things into perspective: says that my cardiac risk is low (generally good diet, active, non-smoker), but that I do stand a risk (still small) for leg ulcers. Shadow suggests getting my legs looked at still, but more than anything it suggests some practical tips for management. Stuff like elevating my legs, compression socks (sexy!) and ankle-specific exercises. 

So my plan is… still not worry, because I’m leaving the neurosis of my past with my parents. My parents’ tendency to worry doesn’t mean I have to worry. Instead, I can take my approach as grounded and informed. 

Instead, I plan to involve some more walking, but I also plan to add some feet-elevating and massage as well. A good moisturiser to help the skin, and compression socks only if my lifestyle changes don’t pay off. 

In all this, I realised, I do a lot for other people. Much of this is my body’s way of reminding me to look after myself.