What happened in the past twenty-four hours left me a bit bewildered. Valkyries said he didn’t want to hurt me and I laughed it off — said that I’ve been thrown around the room (dojo) before now, I’m not that delicate.

He also asked about the crown: asked whether I was taking it from him, demoting him from his status as my other King. That wasn’t my plan: I teased him a little, sure, but more than anything I wanted to see that he understood both its significance and the duties of wearing it. That he wasn’t merely trying it on for size.

Valkyries then clarified what he really meant: not that he was afraid he would hurt me physically, but that he wanted more with me and couldn’t have more with me.

Ahh, so that’s the kind of hurt you meant. EMOTIONAL hurt.

Yes, it did hurt, whether or not he meant it to. Whether or not he wanted it to — nobody likes to hear “yes” then “no”. Two weeks ago he told me that he’d hunted me “like prey” on the Lovehoney Forum. Two weeks ago we agreed that we were more than friends. We had conversations that were definitely not safe for work and now? Now this.

I didn’t dethrone him, though — the King abdicated.

I could knight him, I suppose — there is always that possibility — and he would still keep his “Sir” title at least. But King? Nope. The King abdicated, so the crown goes back on its stand.

I’m annoyed at both of us, but mostly I’m annoyed at myself. I let my guard down; I really believed we had something. My sergeant now wants a word.

In my head, I can’t help but hear the controversial TikTok dating advice, “if they wanted to, they would”. Now I know it gets some people all hot under the collar, but hear me out:

Once upon a time I dated a man who did things to show me that he loved me: roses (including once at the main train station, with an umbrella in pouring rain, and after I travelled some 150 miles back home from a family vacation to be with him. Does it get more romantic than that?!), chocolates, cards, you name it. I still fondly remember the time he thought it would be a romantic gesture to visit me unannounced, hide behind my sofa (I occupied the annexe that was my grandmother’s for a short time, after she moved into residential care) and jump out with a loud “boo!”. I still say the only reason he’s alive today is because we don’t have a right to bear arms in the UK.

That man is now my husband, and he has shown me time and time again that he really does love me. We don’t always say it with our words, but our actions speak volumes. Take yesterday’s churros, as an example!

Another example: I installed a countdown timer on my desktop. It’s not only so I can make sure I don’t accidentally overrun my permitted work, it’s also to make sure I clock off and spend quality time — his love language — with my husband.

Again, actions, not just words.

On the flipside of this, I have two examples of putting my life on hold for people, or of having people who wanted me to put my life on hold for them. I can’t and won’t do that again.

The first was the Pakistani man that I was with for 2.5 years, who I really believed I would marry someday (he even sent me a ring). That all amounted to little more than a life lesson on long-distance relationships — he gave me up on me when his mother made him choose between her and me (no hard feelings there, he was only 19 at the time!).

The other was a short relationship with a man who moved to Ireland for a year or two to be closer to his mother — without telling me that he was going beforehand — and he was surprised to learn that I had moved on without him. His disbelief was actually quite amusing for me: turns out, he didn’t like unwelcome news either.

The quiet irony is that that relationship was the one that forced my now-husband to realise that I don’t wait for people, and to seal the deal with me before it was too late for him too.

Valkyries and I did talk last night, and more today, but our exchanges weren’t what they have been up until now. We’ve had none of the usual sparring that we get up to — our conversation ares civil and tepid at best.