I learned something yesterday: Master Levi also occasionally reads my main blog, Ten Shades & Me. It comes as news to me.

It’s not that I have a problem with him reading it — just as he said, it’s a public domain and that’s sort of what it’s there for — but he’d never said anything to me about it. No “good post”, no “I liked what you did with…”. Nada.

Master noticed that my diary posts are gone, he also tried to guess where they might be. He asked about a now-abandoned URL and I smile. You’ve noticed they’ve gone two days after I noindexed them? How curious?

So I teased him a little, teased him about reading me and not saying anything, and about not being able to read me anymore. About how delicious that “control” thing is, and about how now, I’m the one with the power.

“I read books from other people without ever speaking to them” he argues.

“Yes, because you don’t bloody know them!” I laugh. “Honestly, you call yourself my biggest fan…”

A fun tidbit: I used to act, and so for as long as the role isn’t too complicated (ie don’t expect me to try and roleplay some character I’ve never seen nor heard of!) then I’m actually not too bad at roleplaying, including as the wounded writer (or the hairdresser, when I cut Master’s hair). On the positive side, I used to adore bringing fruit stalls to life with puppets for the kids at community fun days. On the not so good side, I used to fake my orgasms because for me, it was much easier than telling my partners what I was really into. Or worse, telling them that they’re great and all, but what they’re doing just isn’t going to get me off.

I’m enjoying myself with Master, of course I am, but Master knows one thing to be true: for as much fun as I’m having in this moment, I don’t really want control.

And Master, being my Master, knows exactly what I want.

“So it’s like that, is it?” he asks, his voice now low and husky. I bite my lip.

“Mmhmm” I say, slightly rattled but still relatively composed. His smile matches mine and he shakes his head.

“Whatever happened to communication?” he presses, now firmly in his wolfish, Domly mood. I tilt my head a little and look up at him.

“I could ask you the same thing” I whisper.

We never did end up playing due to time constraints, but Master spent part of last night trying to find the link anyway, to my great amusement and much to his chagrin. I have now been assured that I am very much not off the hook, and to which I simply replied “good, I quite like being in trouble with you.”

I did enjoy a post from sister submissive Olivia yesterday too, which in some way ties in with my experiences from this morning. In her post, Olivia writes about her submissive spirit — about desiring to be a submissive, a very relatable experience for me. Yet, I find so often in modern pop culture, real submission is so heavily misunderstood: it is often portrayed as something one already is — doe-eyed and naive — fallen at the feet of someone cold, calculated and manipulative. A “Dominant” is often portrayed as someone we submissive types would actually do well to avoid: someone with a narcissistic, self-centred personality.

And that trope of what a Dominant or a submissive is (or should be) really, really gets under my skin.

This morning, and post-orgasm (because there was just no way I was starting my day without one of those this morning!), I decided I’d rest for twenty minutes with a MDom hypnosis video. Should be good, right?

Wrong.

In the video, the submissive supposedly stands in front of an audience and takes a sip of a potion that makes them feel all warm and suggestible, demonstrating the effectiveness of the Dominant-warlock’s “potion”. The Dominant-warlock then calls attention to the fact, then instructs them to go and sit down for a moment.

That was enough for me. I didn’t feel soft and submissive; I felt distressed and emotional. Like I’d been made a fool out of.

I curled up into a ball and cried, now afraid of the very thing I so loved to be.

Whatever happened to gentleness and trust? Whatever happened to real Dominance, not this fake, fantasy stuff?

You see, submission — real submission — is not something that can be taken. Real submission is a gift, given for the Dominant to cherish.

Dominance — real Dominance — is not something that can be demonstrated. It is a presence, given to the submissive in turn.

Real Dominance does not degrade the submissive., It empowers them instead.