She who holds the code, holds the power.

It’s taken me a few days but I’m slowly getting back on track with my anxiety. No more panicking about world events, I’m learning once again to put my trust in the people who are paid thousands every month to keep us all safe. It’s hard – I’m so used to being in control – yet on this occasion, I have to learn that this problem isn’t mine to control. 

Shadow has helped. Shadow has helped me take the media apart and understand things better. Shadow has helped me calm my nerves and separate fact from fiction. I’m not back fully on fighting form yet, but I’m getting there. The fatalistic and “what if?” thinking prevails still, but I’m slowly fighting my way out of the hole I’d fallen into. 

Master is tough on me in times like these: I’m not allowed to make “but” statements, I’m not allowed to follow my “but” with a “what if?” question (else, I have been told, Master will kick my butt for me), and I’m certainly not allowed to sit on my ass and doomscroll. 

I’m argumentative when I’m anxious too: I fight facts with “logic”. I fight facts with the worst-case scenarios that prevail inside my head; the Hollywood scenarios quoted by armchair generals. 

Incredibly frustrating, I have been told. 

Friday I received an email: I have been selected to review another product on behalf of Lovehoney. Of course, that’s always an honour, and as well as some of the many fun conversations that I have on the forum, bringing products to my readers (from the forum and elsewhere) is always fun and exciting. I love too that my approach to product reviews is enjoyed: fun and honest, without being too salesy. 

So I have been selected to review the Bedroom Fantasies Faux Leather Luxury Bondage Suitcase, comprising 12 pieces of bondage gear including a hogtie and a silicone ballgag, worth £250. I’m surprised to have been chosen, but there’s an adrenaline spike too: both Master Levi and Sir JGood wanted to get their mitts on the suitcase, and now I’m being entrusted with it. 

Shit!

I know that I’m desired and I have always wanted to do a sub hunt (and not the naval kind), but when a brat is entrusted with a suitcase of luxury bondage goodies that both of her Dominant counterparts want to get their mitts on? She suddenly becomes very desirable indeed!

So I did what any sensible sub would do in my situation, and I teased them both about it. 

For Master, I said I might lock the set with a combination code that only I know. Master asked if I would remember it, and I said I could make a note on my phone. 

“Like a secret note app. Accessible only with my fingerprint, which you don’t have” I tease. 

For Sir, I said that my review could “wait a week or two”. There’s no rush, even though I know Sir is rather eager to explore the suitcase through my writing and videos. Alas, this here is my business, and here, I make all the rules,

So once my suitcase turns up, I should probably run 😉

I’ve been umming and arring over Lovehoney’s advent calendars too, tempted as I ever am, though unsure if I can justify the cost. I’ve long wanted to do one, because, well… wouldn’t that be fun? Now I think I can justify doing one: as well as being good for us, it could also be good for the blog!

So Friday night, Master and I sat down together and we discussed the different advent calendar options available on the Lovehoney website.

“I think twenty four (days) would be too much” I say, “it’s more costly, and people – including us, for that – might get bored of so many sex toys” I explain. Master agrees. 

So in the end, we decided on one of Lovehoney’s twelve-day advent calendars. 

I now have to create a post template for the mini-series, logos and title slides for the videos and such. 

“The Twelve Days Of Kinkmas” I say with a smile. 

“She’s a smart one!” Master grins. 

Saturday morning he has “you (me) for breakfast” as he likes to call it. I’d protest, but he knows how to strip me of my fight and I’m rendered powerless on the tip of his tongue once more. My orgasm rips through me and he praises my surrender. 

“Good girl” he whispers against my flesh. 

Master plays with me some, crashing me through a second and third orgasm before filling me for a fourth. I can no longer resist him and I beg him to fill me with his seed. The sadist grins down at me. 

“So hungry” he teases. 

“Very” I reply, and bite his chest playfully. 

Slowly continues to go well, though I have cut contact with a few new penpals this week, mostly due to just not feeling the connection. Time is finite, and one of the things I have learned (and have to be careful about) is that I simply don’t have time to reply to everyone, regularly, who writes to me. 

One of those I let go of was another Portuguese man who asked me to say goodbye if I decided to stop replying to him – making me feel obligated to keep replying to him – then he proceeded to tell me about his previous relationship troubles and replyied to me almost no sooner than my letters graced his inbox. I gathered that I might only be seeing one side of the equation, and besides, I’m not there to be anyone’s free therapist, especially not under obligation. So feeling uneasy about our interactions and sensing the high likelihood of a guilt trip or angry outburst if I told him I wanted to cut contact, I ghosted him instead.

The other was an American who wanted to sext with me, then proceeded to tell me what I did and said in our imaginary interactions.. My friend, that’s not sexting with me – that’s narrating your prescribed fantasy to me. I want no part in that. 

My interactions with M and S continue to go beautifully, though M did ask me if I can “handle” being “tamed”. Well, to that I admire the bravery, though I pity the fool who tries.

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Until next time!

Stay safe & have fun,

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